Journal 58: I Exist

I think that Stephen Crane was trying to say the war made america fall apart and is no longer that it sue to be, one nation. He is trying to say no matter how ever much a man thinking of his own importance, the world as a whole (the universe0 doesn't care much about his existence. Just because someone says they exist and thinks that they are important doesn't mean he is recognized by the rest of society.  Even if he is widely recognized in his own country he may not be so in the rest of the world.
Humans compared to the universe as a whole is way too small. The universe is so vast and us humans are only a small part of it. Of course the universe wouldn't care if we exist or not it maybe not even notice we exist. WE are so small. The world we live in may care because we populate it and use up its resources. It seems pretty arrogant for a man to tell the universe to notice him and to make himself sound all important.

Journal 57: Free Write

Junior life isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It turns out even as a art student I have a lot of nonoperational work to do and same times it exceeds the work load of others. At the beginning of the year it seemed as if life was going to be easy even with all the classes they seemed like easy classes.

Pressure began to catch up to me as the year progressed. SAT, college apps, and my portfolio. Watching the seniors of this year and the past I soon realized that I had a lot of work to be done before I was ready to submit my portfolio. Times is running out and I didn't realize until recently. As the AP 3D class's portfolio submission date draws near, time is running out. As more time runs out the more I realize how hard I have to work to achieve my goals.

I am working to achieve my own goals and not that of others. They may overlap but I am doing it to please other I am doing it for my own good. I don't want my life to be controlled and monitored by others I only want them there to support me in my own action, my own life.

Journal 56: Power

In the Hand Maid's Tale the Commanders have most of the power and power to govern and corrupt the system. Everyone is given a title and each title represents a position in the social structure and how much power over other they have.
Like out own society the system in The Hand Maid's Tale is split into social classes, sexes, occupations, and etc. It is a long and complex system of power. The Commanders secure power through manipulation and many countries today have leaders who are corrupt and who manipulate the system to gain what they want.
In my own life power is delegated by age and experience. Therefore adults are always more superior than anyone else. We are respect them and expect respect from them. Same goes with experience if someone is more experience at a certain task than you are you allow them to take charge and lead you through the processes. Power is a difficult thing to grasp and corruption happens all the time in every form of power. It can be just a small group of friends and corruption can exist.

Journal 55: Public Speaking

The fear of public speaking has always been a major flaw of mine. During presentations I would freeze up form time to time in fear of making a error that would make me a joke. More recently I have over came most of my fears for public speaking. However when in large crowds, especially ones with manly strangers, I choke ad sweet in fear. Both making a speech and reciting a poem can be difficult for me. Yet if I was to choose one or the other reciting a poem would be much easier for me. Simply because they are usually shorter. Many times when I write a speech it sound perfectly fine in my head and when I read it to myself a few of my friends. When I get on that stage or podium it becomes ten times harder for me to speaks as if I had a tennis ball stuck in my throat. 

For some reason I can't speak but I can act and sing fine in front of crowds. It seems to me that when I am acting or singing I lose myself in it and therefore the audience is no longer existing in my world. However once I get out of the spot light and into the sides of the stage the chills catch up with me again. 

Journal 53: Slanted Truth

The is not always told to its full extent, many times by doing so it protect one from the truth that hurts. Slanted truths are truths told with a slight twist or a truth with some detail left out. It is not exactly lying but its not the truth either because it doesn't tell the person the whole thing. Its like reading a novel to someone and only giving them the setting and a few events without a conclusion or even characters.  Telling a lie to me is to fabricate all information and include bits of truth. A slant truth is a puzzle missing a few pieces. Slant truths are told to lessen the harm it can inflict on a person. Too much truth can make it seem like a lie at time and make people distrust it and deny the fact that it is not a lie. sometimes it is told on accident because the person telling it doesn't think certain details were necessary; however most times it is on purpose. In Dickinson's poems she she real truth is too much and can blind a person. By Blind I believe she means to confuse or to shut them from the truth. To tell someone the full truth is  not always making them believe its truth  o recognize that it true.

Journal 54: Nature's Nature

Nature to me is only there for the better good of the human race. Yet nature has its threatening side to humans. Nature to me reflects many aspects of our own life that we make more complicated and nature simplifies it for us to see. Life isn't always beautiful many times it has a nasty side to it. Nature is there for us to use but to use with care and to not over use it. Once we over use its resources nature would bite back hard and take back what ever we have taken from it. I see global warming as a warning for our race and that the more we waste the higher the sea level will raise and the lower the temperature will get in the winter. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, and tsunamis are all ways nature shows it destructive force to us. Nature has many sweet sides and like a person it also has a darker and violent side. Nature presents itself the way Dickinson reveals it in her poems with subtle details of it cruel side and covering it up with its good side. 

Journal 52: Hopes?

I personally think that when Dickinson wrote "If you were coming in the fall" ­she had a sense of hope and wistful thinking. She beings by writing all the hopeful out comes and how she would react to each one. It seems like she is in a dreamy state which she can't get out of. Each stanza continues on from the previous and making the situation even more unlikely and finally at the end she pops back into reality. Over all the poem has a pessimistic feeling to it yet at the beginning I can just imagine Dickinson spending that summer happily and hopefully waiting for her lover with a smile on her face.  In life there are always things that don't turn out the way we want it to. There are also times when we know that the thing we want is impossible yet we continue with that wistful thinking. There have been times in my life when I expected a better outcome but knew that it wouldn't happen. Every time I put all the optimistic thoughts in my head and in the end it only lets me down. Sometimes being overly optimistic is bad and sometime you need a little bit of pessimism in your life. 

Journal 51: Pessimism

I believe that Dickinson wasn't always a pessimistic person but do to the life experiences she had gone through it changed her into a pessimistic person. She has loved men who she is not suppose to and knew that there would be no outcome from her contributions to the relationship. Then she chooses to live in recluse, away from society and be a loner. Her poems are full of sad morals and depressing tone. Unlike Walt Whitman the greatly optimistic may over optimistic poet, Dickinson seems to be his exact opposite. She didn't want her poems published during her life time in fear that it will not be successful. No person who is confident and optimistic will hide her volumes of original poems away for family members to find after her death. With all the information and poems, written by Dickinson I infer that she was a pessimistic person. Many times I feel pessimistic due to my over optimistic points of view. I always expect too high of something and when the reality emerges I am disappointed;therefore, some times I try being pessimistic. To be pessimistic and think of the worst that can happen when the reality is actually better and it makes me feel good again.

Journal 50: The Soul

I think people don't select their friends but instead just ends up in a certain group due to reasons that are hard to explain. I myself have tried to "select" the people I make friends but it never happens that way for me. I always end up with the ones that I have the most similarities with. Its hard to make friends that have completely different personalities from yourself, because you just end up disagreeing on everything. To hang out with someone who disagrees with almost all your decisions is very hard and nearly impossible. Therefore I believe what Dickinson says is true and that we subconsciously choose our friends. However I don't agree with being unable to change your decisions on who to be friends with. It isn't like if your friends with one person your always going to be friends. Many times you think that people are what you see them to be but only when you become acquainted will you see how they really are and many times that's when a friendship thins out or get eradicated. So I believe there are certain things that you can control and the rest your heart or your subconsciousness controls it.

Journal 48: Haiku

Black and blue bruises
The pain is over bearing
each touch the pain spreads

 Smelling delightful
The scrumptious dish is revealed
It screams in your mouth

Old and wrinkled notes
Lay on the table weakly
Old notes of lovers

Journal 50: Tanka Poem

Smarter than you are
Loves to drink juice and eat fruit
Hates to eat school lunch
Can not stand stupidity
Jerry thinks that he is boss

The boss is a hag
She is of an old old age
Her skin is dying
Her muscles weak and saggy
Her death is soon to come

The voice is extreme
Singing and singing he sings
Wowing the audience
The judges sitting in awe
His voice is captivating